Sunday, January 30, 2005

Attaturk of Hegemon Answers His Mail

I'm up out of my sick bed for the moment and not writing much, but would like to call your attention Dr. Atta J. Turk who is doling out advice to the lovelorn or maybe just the lorn:

Dear Atta J. Turk --
I am the God-appointed Preznit of a large Western superpower, and I have a problem. There appear to be as many as a dozen cold Senators' and pundits' noses all up in my anal regions, all the way up to my colon at times, and what I want to know is this: How do I tell that Joe Lieberman guy to quit hogging, to knock it off and give other people their turn?
He just doesn't want to listen. He's worse even that that Chris guy with the high voice.
Little Georgy Jingo

Dear Little Georgy,
Here you see the problems that happen when one has to deal with those on the other side of the aisle and the costs that have to be paid. Once you were nice to that Zell fellow, it was only a matter of time before lonely Joe came a callin'. And I understand it is a problem, while Zell is crazy, he, at least is entertaining, lonely Joe on the other hand...well let's just say he makes Mitch McConnell seem charismatic in comparison.

Look, any Republican in your position is going to have to deal with a needy pet Democrat. They are not going to get love from their party, and so they come over to you for the occasional pat on the head and a public attaboy. Some Democrat has to want to be on Hannity & Colmes or O'Reilly as the "good" Democrat in order to serve some sort of pathological need to be loved by someone.

I think, however, that you are overestimating the amount of sphincter time you have to give someone like lonely Joe. It is my experience with him, that when it comes to the necessary affection from Republicans, allowing lonely Joe a quick sniff followed by a good thumping from the back of your hand should suffice to keep him in line. So for you, a quick reward followed by the pleasurable infliction of pain -- a momentary inconvenience and a precious release -- sounds like something you would like.

As for high-pitched Chrissy, just the back of your hand, or on special occasions a good bludgeoning with a mallet, will work.