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Our newest items were created by request.

They are Flying Spaghetti Monster belt buckles in antique silver and antique gold:

And FSM and Pirate Fish patches.

Keeping Score: Hercules 1, WalMart Zero, Zip, Squat

The city of Hercules, faced with a new WalMart in their community, found a way to shut the door on the "high cost of low wage" by confiscating the land on which WalMart planned to build.

California town the latest to snub Wal-Mart - Yahoo! News: "The city council of the mixed-race bedroom community of 23,000 east of San Francisco voted this week to invoke eminent domain to block Wal-Mart Stores Inc. from building a 99,000 square foot (9,200 sq meter) store near the town's waterfront.

The area is the centerpiece of Hercules' redevelopment effort, which aims to create a destination on par with high-end Sausalito across the bay. That would complement Hercules' plan to market itself as an 'anti-suburb' with new neighborhoods appealing to home buyers nostalgic for old-fashioned residential areas within cities.

The unusual move stunned California's big-box retailers, who usually benefit from eminent domain, which allows government to take private property for its use or for use by third parties if their projects would benefit the public."

Hercules is not the first California city to refuse a WalMart store however WalMart's Republican / Libertarian friends are trying to spin this as class conflict:

Wal-Mart faces a different and more confounding source of anger in Hercules -- a "class war," according to Roger Pilon, a legal affairs specialist at the libertarian Cato Institute.

"The people in Hercules are coming across as looking down their noses on those who shop at Wal-Mart, as not wanting 'those people in our neighborhood,"' Pilon said.

Wal-Mart opponents in Hercules say its presence would blight their town, the first in California with planning codes guided by "New Urbanism," a school of urban design focused on pedestrian-oriented neighborhoods mixed with homes and shops and lacking big-box retailers.

"It's the quality of living in Hercules that we're dealing with," said Steve Kirby, a Hercules resident since 1988. "One thing that we don't want is a regional-type business in there that brings in a lot of traffic."

Animal Rights Codified - in Spain?

Spain's socialist government introduced a measure to grant the equivalent of human rights to gorillas, chimpanzees, orangutans and bonobos. The law would recognize great apes as near humans and would protect them from mistreatment, and prohibit their use in circuses and scientific experiments.

Predictably the Catholic Church is opposed to the measure, claiming that it would denigrate human beings. I would contend that human beings, especially right-wing Christians, are already doing a fine job of denigrating the human race.

I'm still waiting for the Spanish government to ban the cruel and barbaric "sport" of bullfighting.

Moving On Up.....

Kyle MacDonald of Montreal posted a red paper clip on Craigslist.org and traded it for a fish shaped pen. He then exchanged the pen for a smiley-face ceramic doorknob. The door knob traded for a Coleman camping stove. Through additional bartering, MacDonald now has a year's free rent on a home in Phoenix. He's hoping to eventually trade up to a deed to a house of his own.

Swords Into Plowshares: Pentagrams Into Pinwheels

Cesar Lopez, a musician in Bogota, Colombia, is converting discarded AK-47s and other weapons from his war-torn country into guitars. After he transforms the guns, he donates them to rock stars who help spread the message of nonviolence.

"The weapon is still present, but when you strike the first chord, everything that's violent about it disappears, " he said. "That's the kind of transformation we would like to see in our country."

A playground in Illinois will be altered because one resident complained that a pattern in the concrete floor looked like a pentagram. Officials agreed to add lines and colors to the star so that it looks more like a pinwheels.

Pinheads!

Dada's Indictment of Attorney General Gonzalez

Dada has written a brilliant piece today about members of the Christian Taliban, Alberto Abu Gonzalez (Attorney General and chief of torture policy), Colin Uncle Tom Powell, former secretary of state, and Condi, Chevron Oil Tanker Rice (current secretary of state and chief of WMD in the form of mushroom clouds).

Here's a tidbit, but you'll want to read the whole piece:

Dada's dally: "Gonzales so willingly forsakes the dreams of his forebears, his gentle abuelos, just as our former secretary of state Colin Powell or his successor, our current Chevron Oil Tanker secretary of state Rice, foresaked the dreams of theirs, so anxious were they to be white and American and terrorize those of the world of color who were neither."

Victories for the Chickens

Recently animal-rights advocates pressured Trader Joes into buying their eggs from farms with cage-free chickens and now I've learned that Google, a company I admire, has taken a principled stand in favor of the chickens:

United Press International - NewsTrack - Google takes up cage-free eggs: "MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif., May 11 (UPI) -- California-based Google, one of the hottest companies around, has embraced a hot trend in animal rights -- cage-free eggs.

The company will require that all of its cafes and cafeterias serve only the pricier cage-free eggs, the San Jose Mercury News reports. Google uses about 300,000 eggs a year along with 7,000 pounds of liquid egg products.

Animal-rights activists charge that caged chickens -- sometimes called battery-raised, because the cages are piled high -- have miserable lives during their productive egg-laying months, confined six to a cage with only 67 square inches of floor space per chicken. Egg farmers say caged chickens are just as happy as -- and healthier than -- those raised outdoors or in open barns.

Google is jumping on a bandwagon that already includes America On Line and Bon Appetit Management, a catering company serving a number of Silicon Valley companies. Several universities have also pledged to serve cage-free eggs.

'There's a ripple effect that I think will happen,' said John Dickman, Google's food service manager. 'Other companies also will want to ensure humane treatment of animals.'"

Claiming to be a chicken farmer may be an overstatement, because I'm only raising two Rhode Island Red chickens as a hobby. They are about 4 months old and I've learned that they are full of personality and communication skills.

We raised them under lights to keep them warm and when the weather was warm enough, we put them in a little chicken hutch under high wattage light bulbs to keep them warm. Because of some construction work we moved their cage to a location behind the laundry room and sometime later my partner, Rob, did some laundry and forgot the chickens were there.

We were watching TV when he noticed that the temperature in their hutch was unusually high. (The thermometer in their hutch was broadcasting to the living room.) I ran out and found that the dryer was blowing warm moist air into their enclosure. They were crying so I turned the lights off to help them cool down, but the drama queen, Isis, began screaming and having a panic attack. (Maybe it wasn't a scream in the human sense, but she was clearly frightened and was yelling.) This was when I discovered that she's afraid of the dark. I held her in my arms to calm her while Rob moved their hutch and turned the light on again.

A week or so later, the chickens were out in the yard and I failed to put them to bed before nightfall. Isis found the contractor's table saw on the patio, flew up on it and then yelled for us as she hurled her body at a window. I ran out and turned on the light in her coop and she quickly settled down.

Their coop is now in a fenced area of the yard with a sensor that automatically turns a light on for them at dusk.

One afternoon, Rob said the the chickens were making funny noises. I ran out to find Isis pacing back and forth by the fence muttering and moaning. I noticed that the water level was too low for them to scoop water into their beaks so I gave them a refill and they were soon celebrating with happy songs. They now have an water "bowl" that fills automatically several times a week.

Their nights are spent in what we hope is a raccoon-proof coop. We've put so many latches and locks on their doors, I sometimes have trouble getting it open. After a night in the coop, they're excited to get out and exercise. They fly around and do happy dances in the yard.

During the day they keep a watch on the house and when they see me near the door, they call out in a long, slow "bauuwk".

These chickens are capable of and willing to communicate with anyone who'll pay attention and it makes me ill to think of the misery endured by factory-farmed chickens in battery cages, never getting to stretch their wings, getting crapped on and never being recognized for the lovely, sentient creatures that they are. And if you're wondering, no, we don't eat chickens or cows or pigs.

Factory farming is conducted with callous disregard for the comfort of feelings of helpless beings and I hope that some day in the future, we'll look back on this era with the same disgust we now feel for those who kept human slaves in the past.

Turd Blossom Watch

The following is posted at the Washington Post web site:

Post Politics Hour: "Miami, Fla.: The blogs are abuzz with reports of Karl Rove's impending (some say actual) indictment. What's the story?

Tom Edsall: I think we will know very soon, perhaps as soon as early afternoon. No guarantee, however."

FSM: I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts

Some of those other religions have Ten Commandants that they like to post in public places. The Flying Spaghetti Monster isn't that bossy, but he provides us eight "I'd Really Rather You Didn'ts" via his prophet Bobby Henderson in The Gospel of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Diego asked me to post them here for the purpose of discussion.

1. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Act Like a Sanctimonious Holier Than Thou Ass When Describing My Noodly Goodness. If Some People Don't Believe In Me, That's Okay. Really, I'm Not That Vain. Besides, This Isn't About Them So Don't Change The Subject.

2. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Use My Existence As A Means To Oppress, Subjugate, Punish, Eviscerate, And/Or, You Know, Be Mean To Others. I Don't Require Sacrifices And Purity Is For Drinking Water, Not People.

3. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Judge People For The Way They Look, Or How They Dress, Or The Way They Talk, Or, Well, Just Play Nice, Okay? Oh, And Get This In Your Thick Heads: Woman = Person. Man = Person. Samey - Samey. One Is Not Better Than The Other, Unless We're Talking About Fashion And I'm Sorry, But I Gave That To Women And Some Guys Who Know The Difference Between Teal and Fuchsia.

4. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Indulge In Conduct That Offends Yourself, Or Your Willing, Consenting Partner Of Legal Age AND Mental Maturity. As For Anyone Who Might Object, I Think The Expression Is Go F*** Yourself, Unless They Find That Offensive In Which Case They Can Turn Off the TV For Once And Go For A Walk For A Change.

5. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Challenge The Bigoted, Misogynist, Hateful Ideas Of Others On An Empty Stomach. Eat, Then Go After The B******.

6. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Build Multimillion-Dollar Churches/Temples/Mosques/Shrines To My Noodly Goodness When The Money Could Be Better Spend (Take Your Pick):

1. Ending Poverty
2. Curing Diseases
3. Living In Peace, Loving With Passion, And Lowering The Cost Of Cable

I Might be a Complex-Carbohydrate Omniscient Being, But I Enjoy The Simple Things In Life. I Ought To Know. I AM the Creator.

7. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Go Around Telling People I Talk To You. You're Not That Interesting. Get Over Yourself. And I Told You To Love Your Fellow Man, Can't You Take A Hint?

8. I'd Really Rather You Didn't Do Unto Others As You Would Have Them Do Unto You If You Are Into, Um, Stuff That Uses A Lot of Leather/Lubricant/Las Vegas. If the Other Person Is Into It, However (Pursuant To #4), Then Have At It, Take Pictures, And For The Love Of Mike, Wear a CONDOM! Honestly, It's A Piece of Rubber. If I Didn't Want It To Feel Good When You Did IT I Would Have Added Spikes, Or Something.

RAmen.

The Gospel can be purchased at Ring of Fire. Pastafarian Missionary Kits are also available there along with Pirate Treasure Chests and plunder for those who are fighting global climate change.

New Shapely FSM Pins

Ring of Fire Enterprises: FSM lapel pins

They make awesome gifts for your favorite Pastafarian. These small treasure chests make nice gift boxes for the pins, pendants and other treasures. Ring of Fire Enterprises, home of Flying Spaghetti Monster religious artifacts and missionary supplies.

Karl Rove Indicted

There are rumors on the internets. Maybe there is a God, after all:

Karl Rove Indicted on Charges of Perjury, Lying to Investigators: " During the course of ... [a] meeting [Friday], Fitzgerald served attorneys for former Deputy White House Chief of Staff Karl Rove with an indictment charging the embattled White House official with perjury and lying to investigators related to his role in the CIA leak case, and instructed one of the attorneys to tell Rove that he has 24 hours to get his affairs in order, high level sources with direct knowledge of the meeting said Saturday morning.

Robert Luskin, Rove's attorney, did not return a call for comment. Sources said Fitzgerald was in Washington, DC, Friday and met with Luskin for about 15 hours to go over the charges against Rove, which include perjury and lying to investigators about how and when Rove discovered that Valerie Plame Wilson was a covert CIA operative and whether he shared that information with reporters, sources with direct knowledge of the meeting said.

It was still unknown Saturday whether Fitzgerald charged Rove with a more serious obstruction of justice charge. Sources close to the case said Friday that it appeared very likely that an obstruction charge against Rove would be included with charges of perjury and lying to investigators."

Bush's Fear Mongering Inspires Mel Gibson

I thought Mel Gibson had gone over to the dark side with that Jesus film he made, but apparently not - at least not as dark as George Warmonger Bush.

Gibson inspired by 'fear-mongering' Bush - Yahoo! News UK: "Film star and director Mel Gibson has launched a scathing attack on US President George W Bush, comparing his leadership to the barbaric rulers of the Mayan civilisation in his new film Apocalypto.

The epic, due for release later this year, captures the decline of the Maya kingdom and the slaughter of thousands of inhabitants as human sacrifices in a bid to save the nation from collapsing.

Gibson reveals he used present day American politics as an inspiration, claiming the government callously plays on the nation's insecurities to maintain power.

He tells British film magazine Hotdog, 'The fear-mongering we depict in the film reminds me of President Bush and his guys'. "

George W. Bush: American Idiot

Mexican President Vicente Fox was going to sign a bill legalizing small amounts of drugs for personal use, but changed his mind after having his arm twisted by George Bush...... ("Vicente, want me to start working on The Wall this week?"). This would have been a PR disaster for the "War on Drugs" fiasco. The crime rate would have fallen in Mexico, as it has in other countries that have legalized drugs for personal use.

It is imperative that American simpletons continue to believe that there is something inherently evil about illegal drugs, and that children continue receiving propaganda that states you will turn into a degenerate werewolve running amok if you use an illegal drug.

What would happen if cigarettes went from $4.00 a pack to $400.00 a pack ? Most people would quit smoking, but some would commit crimes to continue their addiction.

Legalize most drugs.....it's a no-brainer.

May 2, 2006
MEXICO CITY, Mexico (Reuters) -- Mexico's president will approve a law that decriminalizes possession of small amounts of marijuana, cocaine and other drugs to concentrate on fighting violent narco gangs, the government said Tuesday.

President Vicente Fox will not oppose the bill, passed by senators last week, presidential spokesman Ruben Aguilar told reporters, despite likely tensions with the United States.

"The president is going to sign that law; there would be no objection," he said. "It appears to be a good law and an advance in combating narcotics trafficking."

The approval of the legislation, passed earlier by the lower house of Congress, surprised Washington, which counts on Mexico's support in its war against gangs that move massive quantities of cocaine, heroin, marij

May 3, 2006
MEXICO CITY (Reuters) - In a surprise reversal, Mexican President Vicente Fox will not sign a widely criticized reform to decriminalize the possession of small quantities of marijuana, cocaine and heroin, his office said on Wednesday.

The president's office said the law, which also toughened sentences for dealing and holding larger amounts of the intoxicants, would be sent back to Congress for revision.

"In our country the possession of drugs and their consumption are, and will continue to be, crimes," the office said in a statement.

Fox's decision was unexpected, given that the legislation was initially designed by his office and introduced by his party. This week, his spokesman praised the law and insisted the president would quickly sign it, despite rumblings from a shocked Washingtonuana and methamphetamines through Mexico to U.S. consumers.

Thanks to Steve for the comments and the excerpts.

George W. Bush: American Asshole

Google the word "asshole" using the "I'm feeling lucky option" and you'll get this video:

Asshole :: Film Strip International

Chimpy is Ready to Blow

Chimpy McFlightsuit is in a snit over Stephen Colbert (American Hero):

USNews.com: Inside Washington: Skewering comedy skit angers Bush and aides: "Comedy Central star Stephen Colbert's biting routine at the White House Correspondents Association dinner won a rare silent protest from Bush aides and supporters Saturday when several independently left before he finished.

'Colbert crossed the line,' said one top Bush aide, who rushed out of the hotel as soon as Colbert finished. Another said that the president was visibly angered by the sharp lines that kept coming.

'I've been there before, and I can see that he is [angry],' said a former top aide. 'He's got that look that he's ready to blow.'"

Steven Colbert: American Hero

In case you missed it, Stephen Colbert tore into George W. Bush and he went after the lap-dog press while he was at it. The man has huge cojones!

The corporate press is pretending nothing happened. It did and it was real.

Here's the transcript:

"Thank you ladies and gentlemen. Before I begin, I've been asked to make an announcement. Whoever parked 14 black bullet proof S.U.V.'S out front, could you please move them. They are blocking in 14 other black bulletproof S.U.V.'S and they need to get out.

Wow, wow, what an honor. The White House Correspondents' Dinner. To just sit here, at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush, to be this close to the man. I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You know what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough. Somebody shoot me in the face.

Is he really not here tonight? The one guy who could have helped. By the way, before I get started, if anybody needs anything at their tables, speak slowly and clearly on into your table numbers and somebody from the N.S.A. Will be right over with a cocktail.

Mrs. Smith, ladies and gentlemen of the press corps, Mr. President and first lady, my name is Stephen Colbert and it's my privilege tonight to celebrate our president. He's no so different, he and I. We get it. We're not brain backs on the nerd patrol. We're not members of the fact (police). We go straight from the gut, right sir? That's where the truth lies, right down here in the gut. Do you know you have more nerve endings in your gut than you have in your head? You can look it up. I know some of you are going to say I did look it up, and that's not true. That's but you looked it up in a book.

Next time look it up in your gut. I did. My gut tells me that's how our nervous system works. Every night on my show, the Colbert report, I speak straight from the gut, ok? I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the no fact zone. Fox News, I own the copyright on that term.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind, with a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists.

My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states. And I cannot wait to see how "the Washington Post" spins that one tomorrow. I believe in democracy. I believe democracy is our greatest export. At least until China figures out a way to stamp it out in plastic for three cents a unit.

In fact, ambassador, welcome, your great country makes our happy meals possible. I said it's a celebration. I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe in pulling yourself up by your own bootstraps. I believe it is possible -- I saw this guy do it once in Cirque du Soleil. It was magical. And though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be it Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe our infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Ladies and gentlemen, I believe it's yogurt. But I refuse to believe it's not butter. Most of all I believe in this president.

Now, I know there's some polls out there saying this man has a 32% approval rating. But guys like us, we don't pay attention to the polls. We know that polls are just a collection of statistics that reflect what people are thinking in "reality." And reality has a well-known liberal bias.

So, Mr. President, pay no attention to the people that say the glass is half full. 32% means the glass -- it's important to set up your jokes properly, sir. Sir pay no attention to the people who say the glass is half empty, because 32% means it's 2/3 empty. There's still some liquid in that glass is my point, but I wouldn't drink it. The last third is usually backwash.

Folks, my point is that I don't believe this is a low point in this presidency. I believe it is just a lull, before a comeback.

I mean, it's like the movie "Rocky." The president is Rocky and Apollo Creed is everything else in the world. It's the 10th round. He's bloodied, his corner man, Mick, who in this case would be the Vice President, and he's yelling cut me, dick, cut me, and every time he falls she say stay down! Does he stay down? No. Like Rocky he gets back up and in the end he -- actually loses in the first movie. Ok. It doesn't matter.

The point is the heart-warming story of a man who was repeatedly punched in the face. So don't pay attention to the approval ratings that say 68% of Americans disapprove of the job this man is doing. I ask you this, does that not also logically mean that 68% approve of the job he's not doing? Think about it. I haven't.

I stand by this man. I stand by this man because he stands for things. Not only for things, he stands on things. Things like aircraft carriers and rubble and recently flooded city squares. And that sends a strong message, that no matter what happens to America, she will always rebound with the most powerfully staged photo ops in the world.

Now, there may be an energy crisis. This president has a very forward-thinking energy policy. Why do you think he's down on the ranch cutting that brush all the time? He's trying to create an alternative energy source. By 2008 we will have a mesquite powered car.

And I just like the guy. He's a good joe. Obviously loves his wife, calls her his better half. And polls show America agrees. She's a true lady and a wonderful woman. But I just have one beef, ma'am. I'm sorry, but this reading initiative. I've never been a fan of books. I don't trust them. They're all fact, no heart. I mean, they're elitist telling us what is or isn't true, what did or didn't happen. What's Britannica to tell me the Panama Canal was built in 1914. If I want to say it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American. I'm with the president, let history decide what did or did not happen.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday, that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change, this man's beliefs never will.

And as excited as I am to be here with the president, I am appalled to be surrounded by the liberal media that is destroying America, with the exception of Fox News. Fox News gives you both sides of every story, the President's side and the Vice President's side.

But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on N.S.A. wiretapping or secret prisons in Eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason, they're superdepressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished.

Over the last five years you people were so good over tax cuts, W.M.D. intelligence, the affect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.

But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works. The President makes decisions, he's the decider. The Press Secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Put them through a spell check and go home.

Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know, fiction.

Because really, what incentive do these people have to answer your questions, after all? I mean, nothing satisfies you. Everybody asks for personnel changes. So the White House has personnel changes. Then you write they're just rearranging the deck chairs on the Titanic.

First of all, that is a terrible metaphor. This administration is not sinking. This administration is soaring. If anything, they are rearranging the deck chairs on the Hindenburg.

Now, it's not all bad guys out there. Some heroes, Buckley, Kim Schieffer. By the way, Mr. President, thank you for agreeing to be on my show. I was just as shocked as everyone here is I promise you. How is Tuesday for you? I've got Frank Rich, but we can bump him.

And I mean bump him. I know a guy. Say the word.

See who we've got here tonight. General Mowsly, Air Force Chief of Staff. General Peter Pace. They still support Rumsfeld. You guys aren't retired yet, right? Right, they still support Rumsfeld.

Look, by the way, I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble, don't let them retire. C'mon, we've got a stop loss program, let's use it on these guys. If you're strong enough to go on one of those pundit shows, you can stand on a bank of computers and order men into battle. C'mon.

Jesse Jackson is here. I had him on the show. Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier.

Enjoy that metaphor, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Justice Scalia's here. May I be the first to say welcome, sir. You look fantastic. How are you? (imitates hostile gestures Scalia was reported to have made)

John McCain is here. John McCain John McCain. What a maverick. Somebody find out what fork he used on his salad, because I guarantee you wasn't a salad fork. He could have used a spoon. There's no predicting him. So wonderful to see you coming back into the republican fold. I have a summerhouse in South Carolina, look me up when you go to speak at Bob Jones University. So glad you've seen the light.

Mayor Nagin is here from New Orleans, the chocolate city. Yeah, give it up. Mayor Nagin, I would like to welcome you to Washington, D.C., The chocolate city with a marshmallow center. And a graham cracker crust of corruption. It's a mallomar is what I'm describing, a seasonal cookie.

Joe Wilson is here, the most famous husband since Desi Arnez. And of course he brought along his lovely wife Valerie Plame. Oh, my god! Oh, what have I said. I am sorry, Mr. President, I meant to say he brought along his lovely wife, Joe Wilson's wife. Pat Fitzgerald is not here tonight? Dodged a bullet.

And we can't forget man of the hour, new Press Secretary, Tony Snow. Secret service name, Snow Job. What a hero, took the second toughest job in government, next to, of course, the ambassador to Iraq. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else.

McClellan, eager to retire. Really felt like he needed to spend more time with Andrew Card's children.

Mr. President, I wish you hadn't made the decision so quickly, sir. I was vying for the job. I think I would have made a fabulous press secretary. I have nothing but contempt for these people. I know how to handle these clowns. In fact, sir, I brought along an audition tape and with your indulgence, I'd like to at least give it a shot. So, ladies and gentlemen, my press conference. "