By Hesiod on American Street:
Dateline Jerusalem, 29 a.d. — The ongoing controversy surrounding whether or not Jesus of Nazareth has the right to voluntarily die on the cross, took a dramatic turn yesterday.
Roman Senator, Billius Fristus Felinocidicus announced that in a late night, weekend session, the Senate had passed an imperial edict, signed by Emperor Tiberius W. Caesar, declaring that Jesus of Nazareth did not have the right to voluntarily relinquish his life, and that the decision is up to his parents. Caesar quickly returned from his summer retreat at Capri to affix his seal to the document. Upon sealing it, Tiberius, who is widely credited with the assasination of all his major rivals for the throne, declared that he would always “err on the side of life.”
Jesus’ legal representative, Saul of Tarses, expressed outrage at Rome’s intrusion into his client’s personal decision. “Jesus ben Joseph has a job to do. He believes he is fulfilling God’s plan to redeem the souls of man by dying on the cross. This is his right and his mission. This unprecedented interference by Roman politicians is nothing but grandstanding.” Fristus is believed a candidate to be Ceaser’s handpicked successor.
When reached for comment at his jail cell in Jerusalem, Jesus of Nazareth replied in a short statement “forgive them, for they know not what they are doing.”
Jesus’ mother, Mary, expressed relief. “I don’t care what Jesus says now,” she said in a statement. “Once, when he was 11 years old, he said he wanted to be a carpenter, not the messiah. I’m just glad that Senator Fristus and Praetor Tomarius Delayulous Pecuniarius see this for what it is.”
Leading juridical scholars agreed that the law was unprecedented. “Usually, Rome condemns people to die as traitors to the state or in wars. Actually passing a law that says you can’t voluntarily relinquish your life has never been done before,” said Rabbi Alanus Dershaiaphus.
Religious fundamentalists praised the decision. “We are absolutely thrilled by this decision,” said the Teacher of Righteousness, the leader of the radical Essene Jewish sect. “It reinforces that when people think of the Roman Empire, they think “culture of life.”